Not that I could even tell you what is wrong.

I’ve been in panic mode for half a week now. I just feel like I’m shaking, but I’m not. Or that my heart is racing and sometimes it isn’t. I’m beating myself up mentally for every thought I have that makes me uncertain. I said to myself I would book a doctor’s appointment today and I forgot… I called them to sort out my blood tests and just got “call us again on Thursday” and then I was like yeah oh thanks! But I think I need help now because I’m home again and I hate being home.

I escaped the whole weekend at Josh’s house. Something about him keeps me calm, or at least calmER than I am at home. I don’t like my parents knowing I don’t feel well because they really don’t know how to handle it and it stresses me out more.

I feel sick. And I hate not going to work when my parents are gonna question me why. But wow, I hate how quickly these things get bad. I want to start myself on like, spare fluoxetine that I have lying in my drawer but I know I shouldn’t really. I also know that I should go into work but… I’m just fucking messed up, I don’t wanna deal with them. I feel like I’ll go into work, cry and then leave or quit which I can’t do. Slowly but surely, I’m talking more to the peeps on my department, but its stifling me there because I feel like I can’t leave – either I’m not ABLE to do something else, or I feel like the fact I don’t look like a guy properly, or sound like a guy. I shouldn’t even be saying “properly”, BAD MATT, there is no proper way to be a guy. I need to learn that, as well as how to tell people to SUCK IT.

I missed an “important” meeting at work yesterday and I don’t know if they will try and get me into trouble for it, as well as I was apparently AWOL on Saturday, which I wasn’t, I mean, I didn’t call, but I did text and if they didn’t read it that’s not my problem. Even if it’s not protocol, I wasn’t AWOL.

I need to stop letting this build up and build up, but I’ve been trying to function. I went to the doctors to sort my blood tests so those are gonna get sorted, I’ve been applying for different jobs so hopefully those can get me out of where I am now. I’m doing things to help but they are all distant. I need CLOSE things, and I don’t know what those are besides sitting with Josh all day.


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