WHEN I SINK BELOW

So, apologies as usual for not posting in AGES, but I expect most readers to be used to this.

There are so many things to update that I’m not even sure what the last bits and bobs were…

But, here goes, the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of my life:

1 – I will soon officially be called Matt. I’m getting a haircut, bought a GC2B binder AT LAST, and I’m basically out to all my mates that I see or talk to regularly. The main problem… coming out to my family, the closest friends from college who I rarely catch up with but mean the world to me, and getting my partner to help me talk to HIS family.

2 – I have no job. Nor does anyone seem keen to give me one -_- I left the last job because I couldn’t handle hearing “OH a woman driver!” every. single. day. Like I wasn’t aware of how the world currently sees me. I also didn’t think I could handle an on-the-job transition, of being introduced as one name and one gender and having to correct people all the f**king time.

3 – Somebody Josh was close to – literally an ex of his – and that I knew too committed suicide this week. I was up the next night in tears and all I can do is think up horrible ways it could have been done. If it’s bad for me, I don’t know how bad it is for him, but he won’t talk and reckons it just has him “bummed out”… :\

4 – I redecorated my room, and now all I can think of is how much it looks like my old flats 🙂 Except that also means I crave moving out, which I can’t do because.. NO JOB. And I couldn’t even move in with Josh because there is no space, and there is no way he is moving in here because he will kill my mother. She annoys everybody. Note to self, Josh moving in here doesn’t equal me moving out, stupid brain.

5 – NO MORE TABLETS! By my own fault, I haven’t picked up my prescription for just under a month… I’m not sure what it’s doing to my brain, not being on anti-depressants anymore. I still feel distant, I cry more, I feel happier at things than I used to, but the urge to cut when I’m bored or highly stressed and upset is coming back. Sometimes I wonder if, when I get where I want to in terms of surgery and T, if I won’t need them at all – it’s just a side effect of dysphoria that makes me slug my way through days. I don’t sleep very well, always waking up aching. But I hated taking a tablet every day, as much as it helped.

6 – I’m considering getting back into my writing, I always want to but then put it off and I’m sure I will enjoy it if I just sit down and crack on. But I’ve also started doing crochet and its quite fun making little floofs 😛

There we go, all up to date. Now it’s time to decide what I’ll do for the rest of the day until I see Josh…

 

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