I tried to make my new year’s resolution to be “come out as some kind of gender f**k”. Some part of me feels like I have already failed because I keep fretting over what I actually identify as, as well as not having already come out within… the first ten days of the year.
Thing is, I look at these things a lot, and then I scare myself. I look at people’s pictures and I go “I want that”, but I have one day of feeling comfortable in my body and it throws everything out of line. Or I imagine something awful happening during surgery. Or not being happy with anything once I start hormones. The idea of shaving my face terrifies me. Telling work, where I hoped for an easy life, “hey I’m a guy!” and transitioning through my job. Having to inject myself. I just think I’ll be useless. I already don’t bind because my job is quite physical and sometimes I think “this is what I’m meant to look like when I take my shirt off – sports bra and a curvy waist”. Sometimes I’m happy with that. Most days I see my boobs as useless blobs. Josh has forgotten I ever mentioned not being happy about my gender. Everyone I used to talk to about it has vanished even though I used to send them a “hey, how are you?” message often. I am scared to tell the mental health people that get in touch with me about my depression and stupidly mild anxiety in case something happens, I don’t even know what I expect to happen, just SOMETHING will happen if I tell them.
But I look in the mirror and I imagine people calling me “he”. Calling me gorgeous and addressing a male. Having broad shoulders and feeling bold. Not feeling ignored because I’m a short female – which sometimes I think happens, but perhaps that’s just sexism. It probably is sexism. I imagine my mum finally stopping her attempts to put me in a dress. Or to sit “ladylike”. I wish for the days where I don’t feel a flat chest that is really just smooshed boobs.
Then those few days come along where I go, I can deal with this right? Or I feel slightly feminine even if I don’t LOOK feminine and I’ll keep my hair down and… that’s like as much effort as I’ll make xD
Josh’s sister, just after Christmas said “don’t you want to go on holiday with your girlfriend?” and I nearly cringed because 1, we’re not even really together anymore and 2, because I really don’t identify with that anyway. I’d rather be called his partner. Sometimes I think I am like, masculine presenting but like gender fluid/neutral because they say that your identity and your expression are also two different things.
But that doesn’t fix whether I know if I want surgery or not. Or to take hormones.
This whole thing is beginning to scare me. And I’m like am I just being stupid and worrying about nothing? But I watched a guy’s video and he said “cis people don’t think about these things”, so yeah I know I’m not cis and I already knew that but sometimes I feel as though I am looking for an answer about whether I am trans or not and I think that sounds stupid. But that’s how I feel. And I mean I see people who are transitioning and I do think “I would like to look like that”, but at the same time I don’t think that’s me. Maybe that it can’t be me? I don’t know. I know nothing. I feel useless. And I feel lonely. I feel so f**king lonely in all of this because everyone I tried to turn to has just gone silent.
It’s not such a happy new year yet and I don’t see it looking up much.