My mum just shared a photo of me and my sister when we were younger. A massive ass fucking lump has formed in the back of my throat because of it. Pigtails. I’m wearing GOD DAMN FUCKING PIGTAILS. I’m a little fucking girl and I know how uncomfortable I am now and I swear I can see it in that photo.
The comments are like “aww!” and “they’ve grown up now”. Yeah, I’ve grown up and developed breasts that I hate and can’t touch and cry about at night if I can feel them touching each other and all sorts of disgusting thoughts. Right at the back of my mind I can imagine just cutting them off myself, I really fucking can. I get a period every month and I just wish it was gone.
I went to a Halloween party the other day and my mum for some reason needed to take a photo of it -_- I felt like a massive fucking lie. I had shorts and tights on and a top with a female figure printed on it (It’s a Robin costume with the body printed on the tee), which I hated. I wanted to buy the men’s one before the day came around but it was too expensive. So I had a skin tight tee with an even skinnier girl’s body printed on it and I could see my waist and my shit ass girly legs and I felt rubbish. So yeah, I didn’t want any photos. I’ve put on weight and I feel gross but I don’t want to work out and get a fucking waist.
The only thing I liked was my hair! Which is still pink and sometimes I feel it’s too girly but I wore it down all night and I usually don’t. I also usually chop off my hair before it gets this long so I really want to keep it while I kind of enjoy it. Plus I’ve also bought blue hair dye (that I’m actually allowed at my new job!!!) and I don’t want to cut my hair off and then dye some stupid stubby dark brown hair. You won’t see it!
So yeah. I’m feeling awful about looking girly right now. But then I don’t like to bind because it doesn’t work *although I don’t have a proper binder and now that I will have money coming in I’m actually going to buy a GC2B one because I’ve checked pictures of people I consider to have a similar body size and shape to mine and they work!*
I just threw off that sentence too much. I don’t like to bind because it doesn’t work, so I end up with Boobs. And I also feel stupidly uncomfortable in normal bras (plus they make it EVEN MORE OBVIOUS) and even sports bras now are just too much. I hate the feeling of wearing extra layers under my clothes, but then while I prefer free-boobing, the second my boobs touch or I feel the little fold underneath that happens, I slowly start losing my shit.
I feel like they are always in the way and it upsets me SO much it’s fucking annoying me. I cry at night if I can’t get comfortable because I feel them squishing together. I just feel them and I’m aware of them ALL THE TIME and I swear it shouldn’t be like that! Don’t get me wrong sometimes I freak out imagining that they’re gone but that’s because I don’t like feeling my ribs. So then I would always feel my ribs or at least that’s what I think and I cry about that too… Sometimes I think there is no way of winning. I’m just meant to not have a fucking body or something.
I’m not even sure what I’m talking about anymore… I just have so much shit in my head. I don’t think I will ever get through to this stupid counselling place. I don’t know how to get private healthcare. I don’t really have the MONEY to be paying for private healthcare 😐 Anybody know anybody who is a friend of a friend who is a surgeon and will fix me for cheap?
I sometimes am terrified I’ll cut again, like I can SEE myself doing it in a sick life/film montage. I’m worried I’ll just completely go off the tracks the longer I feel like this. I know tablets helped me but then I feel worthless about being on them, no thanks to my parents and everyone else who scowled at me and pity-eyed me and just said a load of shit about my. MY! choice of treatment and it was one I was proud of because I was fixing myself. Now I feel like shit if I even consider being on tablets. I wonder if going on tablets will also alleviate some of these feelings about my chest and myself but I feel I can’t bury those feelings with tablets because that ISN’T the long term fix for those issues. I wish Daniel was in touch with me more sometimes He is the greatest person to talk to about gender issues but he struggles so much with his own stuff and it means that sometimes he gets isolated. His problems are much more complicated than my own and sometimes when we catch up I find out about all the awful things he’s feeling and I never knew about, but then I KNOW why he didn’t tell me – you don’t want to bother people. But I wish he did bother me, I wouldn’t mind. He is so wonderful and patient and he listens and somehow always finds the right things to suggest and then to think he can go home after helping some of my problems only to feel fucking shit from his own. It fucking KILLS.
What stupid curse did we get to be so fucked in the head? And I know some may find that offensive but it’s coming from a place inside of me that fucking hates knowing people suffer from things and they can be completely and utterly invisible and we become some of the greatest actors to hide it because of stigmas and discrimination and other people acting like it’s all made up or insignificant. This stuff ruins people’s lives and people think helping us is just saying “calm down”, “cheer up”, “it’s not important” or they just think it is made up.
Even I still call sad things depressing. People who are affected by depression get sucked into that strange reality too! I used to say “that’s a bit OCD!” to people who had quirky habits until I read Am I Normal Yet? by Holly Bourne and I just immediately switched. I still slip up, I’m sure but that’s a sign that even a small bit of education or insight goes a long way. And a lot of people AREN’T educated about mental health or sexuality or eating disorders, schools are only just starting to debate how much of these things should be taught. I don’t think I even knew what depression really was in high school and sometimes if I look back I’m certain I was suffering from it.
This is a long ass post. There are obviously two different sides to this blog. Short ass poems or long ass speeches.
I often think that the main trigger I ever had was breaking up with my first boyfriend… I thought it was so normal to feel rubbish, but I wished I got hit by a fucking van. I WANTED TO GET HIT BY A VAN. *insert ultimate OMG self-discovery moment here* Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I wasn’t aware of the fact I ever thought that but that actually just clicked in my head as the first suicidal thought I ever had. At 18 ish. And I used to slightly self-harm, but HA my parents think this all started when I went to uni and it really didn’t. I was miserable in high school, I felt useless, hated, ignored. I studied because I didn’t really have anyone to talk to for the last two years. I don’t think I even knew that self-harming was bad 😐
Anyway. That’s enough of a mindfuck for today. I have also just realised I censored NOTHING in this post… and I don’t want to go back and do it. I hope you liked hearing a load of fucking fucks. 😀