It honestly feels like I keep on talking to the f**king walls. Nobody seems to reply to me when I mention anything important and I am trying so hard not to be a dick, but just no

This app is so dodgy… 

But yeah. I mean, I realised the other day that Josh told me a lot of people say to him “if it wasn’t you saying that, I’d punch you”. That is really not a good quality and I didn’t notice how much of a dick he really is. 

If I’m honest, things have been failing there for quite some time.I doubt he has ever realised how much I wanted to do for him, and yet he ruined so much for me. My birthday holiday abroad, the last funeral gig I’ll ever see, even watching movies and TV. 

He never told me anything about himself. Anything of substance at least

And he ignores every piece of advice I give him to try and fix this shit. I reckon he has some kind of anxiety/depression thing but he just wants to feel miserable about it like he is too good to have something like that attached to his name. Or that it’s a side effect of life. No it’s f**king not. I keep trying to tell him that stuff he thinks about isn’t healthy, it’s not “normal”. But all he wants to do is shrug it off and his mood is killing me. All the snapping that I did, the constant need to lie down and not function, the fact he gets headaches and stomach upsets all the time, I try so hard to tell him, it might seem like a random side effect, but it can be. 

I tried to talk to him about the fact that he misgendered me yesterday. I didn’t know how to put it because it hurt me. But because it came off slightly hostile, he sped walked off home and said he was tired of it all. Gee, thanks. It’s not like I’m perfectly happy trying to tell you it over and over

I can’t fix him while I’m trying to f**king fix myself too and I don’t want to sound that selfish but that’s how it is. Maybe it is selfish but, I tried to fix myself and I managed it. And I got tablets, but everyone chatted shit about them and made me hate myself more, like I’m weak or fake for taking something. 

He doesn’t want meds. So you know what I said? That he can talk about whatever other solutions he likes, tablets don’t need to be an option. I didn’t throw his idea of help into the dirt. But he always did that to me. Tablets became a dirty word, getting pulled out if I was the slightest bit annoyed at something. It turned into the PMS of depression. 

I was meant to be his friend, but the guy has no friends and he wonders why. I was meant to be the person he opened up to, because I knew he was capable of it. But the more I stick around, the more I think he never will and how long am I meant to offer my soul out to help him?

He is toxic to me, yet I want to fix him. Because when we were both happy, we used to be great. Sometimes I think we ended up here because we’re not great and the whole thing was a mistake. And he holds how we got together against me, I know he does. Because I had pressure from my friends to be with him. But I fell of my own accord once we hung out, and then all of it came back to haunt me. So now it’s Ammo, like I have never cared about him. Of course not(!) I like crying every time I see you. I love that I don’t think I’m worth you getting some help so maybe you can communicate with me and I can learn to understand you, know you. 

I told him last night to leave me alone. He called me ten times and I didn’t answer, then I knew I wouldn’t sleep because what if he finally just decided to hang himself from the ceiling or something stupid. So I called him, made sure he was alright and all I got was sarcasm about how I hadn’t let him know I was home. Every time he upsets me, he just sasses me like it helps, every apology he gives is never from somewhere sincere, it’s from somewhere angry and bitter. Like I don’t deserve it and he doesn’t mean it. 

The one time he ever cried in front of me was when he felt useless from not being able to help me and I hugged him so tight saying it was okay, even though we both knew it was the biggest lie. But now it’s my turn and he doesn’t even seem to appreciate my help. It f**king hurts. 

So here I am, hurt, off my own tablets and messed up and I’m still trying to help him because I know he can fix everything if he just talks to somebody. I thought he was actually considering at least counselling and so I sat down and I spoke about how it was for me and what he could maybe expect. That he can talk about everything because this person doesn’t know who you are talking about and all they are there for is to let you talk as much as you need, figure out how you feel, how you can fix things, support you and encourage you. But I can’t push him. You cannot push someone to get help when they don’t want it but oh my God, I really want to walk him to the doctors or something. But you just can’t. I feel like he would hate me if I did that and especially if he thought it didn’t help. 

Somebody help? -_-


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