That’s the spoiler.
There is nothing fun going on for me right now. I’m dealing with moving home, fixing what little part of my life I could call “a relationship” and hating myself and my situation is making me want to cry and avoid looking at everything I normally call motivation for myself.
I’m still trying to tell everyone to call me Rob, use male pronouns, not be freaked out if I suddenly chop off all my hair. Not that it would surprise them that much seeing as I like having short hair, but it took me SO LONG to get it this length… it seems such a shame to let it go xD Although shedding it is a f**king nightmare. I find hair everywhere it’s like “but I wasn’t even in here today!?”
So anyway, looking at peoples’ transition videos and photos and voice changes just depresses me. The worst part is finding out they all started transitioning when they were teenagers D: I’ve missed the chance to maybe grow a bit taller as a guy. I’ve missed the times in college when I actually would have been seen how I so desperately tried to be. I would have been one of the lads on a night out with the best people in my life, that I don’t see much anymore.
I f**king hate it. I hate that I stalled in my self-discovery. I hate that I look at everything and feel miserable because I’m not there and I don’t know HOW to get there. All I’m doing in waiting and stalling and f**king up my life because so much of it is in the control of either other people or my own cowardice.
It doesn’t just fu**k YOU up either, I’m messing up the very existence of my friendship with Josh. So we split up, mainly because I couldn’t handle a lot of things, but now where there is a difference between our visions of me, I feel like I can’t fix the romantic side of things. Or that even if I was his mate, it would just be “oh hey it’s Ma. you know what, I can’t even handle typing that right now.
My name is f**king ROBIN.
My pronouns are MALE.
So I still have stupid fucking boobs, you think I don’t notice them? I FUCKING NOTICE. I panic at night about them, or I consider them already gone. Yet I have to be hyper-aware of their existence because I can’t bind when I’m on my period, my boobs are swollen and f**k squishing them because it would be too uncomfortable to deal with. It would probably actually make me even more conscious that I have boobs under that there binder!
And sometimes I don’t even want to bind or wear a bra. The way I see it, is guys don’t have fucking layers and layers of clothing. But then you can’t escape that feeling of your stupid tits jiggling when you walk or run.
I even had a mini panic attack last night over the fact that if I take T, my voice will drop. I squeal at ultrasonic levels sometimes when I’m excited. Somehow I am terrified of not being able to do that anymore? I don’t get it because I fantasise about singing like a guy. I heard myself on the answer machine and was thinking that if my voice was even only a little lower, I could sound male.
This shit is getting unbearable sometimes.
The worst thing is, I reckon my mum has been nosy and read a little bit of my attempted diary entry where I said I’m struggling with my gender. Every chance she gets, she seems to need to point out that “you’re not a boy!”, “that’s not very ladylike!”, “You should do this because you’re a GIRL!”, and to tell you the truth, I want to tell her to shut the f**k up because what does she know about who or what I am?
Her problem with it mostly, I think, is because my parents are low key homophobic. If I was a guy, well physically a guy and able to pass and all that shit, I would be in a gay relationship if things with me and Josh work out. I’d still be bi, I’ve already come out as bi to them, but the dreaded GAY MAN would be in their home!
When I came out I even had that conversation with them. They reckon that lesbians are okay, but gays, well, “as long as it’s not in our faces or anything because it just doesn’t make sense!” WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE IS THERE BETWEEN ANY FORM OF HOMOSEXUALITY!? And I’ve thought that maybe it’s because guy sex actually consists of like real dick penetration and that’s what makes it so “icky and wrong” to them, but I still don’t think that’s a reason to hate it? Or maybe because guys being in love means they are “sissy fags” and not “real men”? I don’t know but there is obviously something about it that they don’t like.
I have honestly tried to understand them, but. Just no. I don’t see a difference and really somebody’s love/sex life isn’t your business unless they tell you. I mean I personally hate ANYBODY seriously making out in public regardless if you’re straight, gay, alien, but dude, somebody sharing a quick kiss or a hug with the person they love, what’s wrong with that? Most gay people (or I hope all, really) would see you doing that and probably find it sweet that you are happy with somebody.
Enough on my Gay Agenda or whatever name I should give that section there.
Basically, my parents obviously “didn’t raise a gay guy”. Not like you RAISE someone’s sexuality or gender, the first is a thing that happens and the second is more likely enforced from birth, but OKAY, SURE(!)
Or you know, maybe I could come out to them and they’d be fine, but eeeeeeeeh. I have doubts. It makes me wish I could move out again REALLY f**king quickly.