hm.

I can feel underneath my cool, calm exterior that inside, something is panicking the FUCK OUT!

Waiting for my next appointment at the doctor’s feels like so long, yet until now, things had been moving so quickly I was complaining about the year being nearly over -_-. I’m hoping that because he hasn’t been in touch, I won’t be needing the blood tests that the centre in Charing Cross or wherever it was, were asking for with their initial referral. However, it’s getting to me. I’m trying so hard to make sense of where I am right now that it is sending me haywire. Literally, I am so on edge all the time, even if I stop actively thinking about it. I just can’t settle down.

It is literally about two weeks or so until this appointment.

Actually, I’ve just realised that I have been really sketchy with my meds again… that’s probably not helping. I just end up feeling horrible knowing I even have to TAKE tablets every day to make sure I’m not crying my eyes out all the time, or staring at the walls – my old favourite habit during the ultimate low at the end of last year…

If I stare at any more walls, someone can slap me in the face.

The whole tip-of-the-tongue coming out scenario is popping up again, same as when I came out as bi to my family. Every time I was there I just wanted to be like, “hey I need to talk!” But I never did, so I kept that schtum for God knows how long. A few years since I first wanted to say anything definitely. This time though, it’s “hey, I might be a guy? Or just… y’know I’ll tell you on the day, maybe I’ll be a queen(!)”

Sarcasm, it’s great!

But. DAMN. Why is it just so hard to figure things out sometimes?

Another thing that is also wracking my brain, is that if I become a guy, will I turn exclusively gay? Because I don’t see myself with girls as a guy. I’m like, “straight me no likey” (although let’s ignore the fact I was in a straight relationship, it was beginning to fuck up because of this…). It’s either I am happy being female and I’d rather be lesbian, or I’d just be the polar opposite and be a gay guy. I cringe at straight couples on T.V. o_O

PHYSICALLY CRINGE. Like… huh? How the fuck does that work!? But recently I was watching EastEnders at my parents and Ben and Paul were all happy-dappy and I was like *don’t smile so much, it’s fake. Stop grinning like a silly bastard*.

But then, what does it all come down to? The awful inner workings of my brain that can’t just sit still for two minutes so they make sense. It’s like having a room full of hyperactive toddlers running around. Not like I entirely know what that’s like, you wouldn’t catch me anywhere near a room with one child let alone full of them.

It’s just so odd how it’s little things that add up to one whole picture of what is fucking wrong with me. Not like it’s wrong but, YOU feel wrong until you work it out y’know? Like here are the things bugging me:

  • Every time I speak, I wonder how my voice can actually be that fucking high.
  • After I speak, I realise that shit, I still get perceived as a girl.
  • Because I’m seen as a girl, I become hyper aware that the way I walk, the way my clothes fit, how tall I am… none of them can help me pass as male.
  • When I get called things complimentary to women, or simple “girl”.
  • The fact that I have fucking thighs that SCREAM female even in men’s jeans.
  • My chest. No matter how many times I look at it recently I am like, wtf is this doing here.
  • Looking at myself in the mirror straight on and thinking daym, you sexy beast you, and then turning sideways and seeing all the male lines fade into this shitty little girl face.
  • Sitting and wondering why I don’t just feel comfy in my body as it is. I’ve had it for 22 years!
  • Sitting and wondering what the fuck I think will feel any different just because I’ve transitioned.
  • Wondering when my next bought of uber femininity will fuck things up again.
  • Trying to decide whether it would matter if I still felt that way, and just was a gender-fluid GUY instead. My boobs are never things I show off to the world anyway, and I don’t particularly wear dresses whatever mood I’m in.
  • Whether I would want to transition fully or just become a gender fuck ^_^ Smaller boobs that are easier to bind, but also there for when I feel girly. Or small enough to not need a bra and still get away with being male. 🙂
  • The fact that once I start writing things down, I seem to work it out. Then I go over and over it again -_-

That’s enough listing for now… What’s the betting I couldn’t even tell a counselor this shit as clearly in person? xD

Well. Time to call it a night and hope my brain turns off. And that summer dies a quick and painful death and it is colder and rainy tomorrow 🙂

 

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