So after many weeks of putting off playing tennis, Josh and I finally enjoyed just under two hours of attempting to play today. I got sunburnt to fuck. And the annoying thing is, it’s not even going to touch my legs at all… No sunburn on my legs. People think I don’t try and tan them- I kind of don’t because shorts make me feel stupidly exposed to staring – but the one time I tried while on holiday, NOTHING happened. I sat with my top half under an umbrella and my legs in the sun. No tan. My legs are Dracula’s reincarnated or something.

And on the subject of Josh. Things have taken a strange turn… we have kind of split up, and yet now he is deciding that’s the kick up the arse he needed to fix all of the things I hated. -_-

Why?! Why does it take a person leaving before somebody else will change?

But, for now, obviously, we are still hoping to play tennis. Because that was part of his get fit plan, so I’d like to help him.

I also haven’t heard back from my GP about whether I need any of the blood tests the gender counseling people wanted. I take that as a good sign, but they must want them in case after all my counseling, I decide I want to take hormones. Which is a tricky question.

I mean, I see so many photos of myself, and my reflection every day and it doesn’t seem like it fits what is going on inside my head. I’m USED to seeing it, don’t get me wrong, but my levels of happiness about it change very often. On a very personal note, I think I feel more comfortable with my given female form when I’m coming towards the time of my period. That’s when it’s like ah, feminine things are lining up with the body I have. But in between that time? Absolutely anything goes.

I know that even if I am still genderfluid, I’ll keep chopping and changing, but more of the time, I don’t feel comfortable being identified as female. And the things that give that away? How I look. My voice. Things that I can only change so much without just coming across as “butch”. Which is not what I want. I don’t want to be a butch female. I don’t want to cut my hair. Fuck me, I take so much effort just growing it, that NO WAY do I want to cut my hair, especially after I have just dyed it and the roots are only just coming through. Waste of hair dye if you ask me!

Oh well. At least I know that should things settle with Josh, he is accepting. Although some things will require more work than others, but that’s for another time.

Meh. Mehmehmehmehmeh. Life is awkward.


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