EEEP!

Well, after the other night’s traumatic post, I just want to say that I am much better! 

I have also been in touch with my doctor and managed to *hopefully* be referred to a gender identity counselling service. I know that sometimes I think I have things down but… not really. Even on the days when I feel feminine, I have this feeling it’s still wrong. Sure I’m used to seeing breasts on my body, but every day I seem to hate them a little bit more. The obvious female figure of my body is also disgusting right now. 

I wore shorts the other day and fucking hell, I was glad of it because it was boiling but at the same time, I was like these are girl shorts, they’re very short and I have legs that are undeniably female. 

My voice still gets me every time I talk. Or even make a noise! Two seconds after it’s left my mouth I’m like God, is that really how high my voice is? 

I worry that instead of becoming like a hunky guy who is edgy and cool, I’ll become a cross of both the “fifteen year old emo kid who wants to be a cat, rawr!”And “oh, that’s so pretty I have to have it, rainbow all the way!” gay stereotypes… or maybe I’ll become like a hipster oddball, but with less hipster and more genuinely weird. 

Ah well. 

Fingers crossed all goes well. Even if it comes down to vocal training and binding, I can find some kind of median between staying as I am and hormonal/surgical transition. Obviously my parents would have to know, but I feel maybe it’s a bit out there and clear sometimes. Perhaps I’m mistaken, but ah well, at least I know my sister is cool with it xD She knows somebody who gp struggling right now with getting their family to understand they are transgender, and genuinely feels for them so, she’s an ally!

On the subject, I have already worn my binder at work, at home and at my nan’s, with friends, with Josh. It feels pretty good but I am always aware that I have boobs and I look like a girl, that everyone calls me a girl. I hate even having this feeling that I have to be someone because I’m labelled as a girl. I’m not a girl. Not that I know entirely what I am but I know what I am not.

And that, is enough ranting and raving for tonight.

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