This post is actually kinda old, I don’t know when I started writing it, but I thought I would post it, just to show another little part of how I’ve been. This must actually be about a month old, rest assured that I am in a better place with all the medication and self harming 🙂
So I know my last big update was telling you all how I had been super down in the dumps. This one is better, I suppose. I had a few relapses on the self harming front a couple of weeks ago, which thankfully, haven’t reared their ugly heads again since I went to the doctors and he told me it was undoubtedly a side effect of a weeks worth of forgotten tablets. (Side note, is there supposed to be an apostrophe in that “weeks”? Neither of them look right o_O)
He prescribed me a small bunch of tablets to take in the event that I had a massive wobble. Teeny one milligram tablets that had me wondering if they would really work… But, I haven’t actually needed them so maybe even their presence is enough for my brain to whip itself back into shape. I am slightly annoyed that I haven’t used them, because £8.40 a pop is expensive for my student-self. Everything is expensive for my student self, but sometimes I still splash the cash unnessecarily. (I’m going to keep that spelling mistake there as a sign that you can be great academically in English and still not know how to spell things! INSPIRATION! I just spell checked that and it tried to say I was meant to spell precariousness. what the f**k?) Unnecesary unnecsesary .. OH MY GOD! How can I really not spell that D:
I give up.
Anyway, I also told my doctor in my confession (I had previously told him that I was fine and perhaps I shouldn’t have), that I was struggling right now with a huge mass of self-questioning about my gender. I have always, since I started uni, wanted to bind my chest. Admittedly I just shoved it aside and carried on with life, but recently it has bothered me SO much that I was considering surgery without even trying to bind first. Rash, I know, but it has been niggling at the back of my head since. I have had countless online searches for binders, but never felt confident enough to buy them. I don’t like my chest as it is, but I always stop myself from binders because should I suddenly decide to love it, I am terrified that binding will have damaged it so much it just looks worse…
See, I understand how some people can find labels helpful, how it can allow them to connect with others feeling the same, but sometimes, I feel smothered by them.
The most I have decided on, is being gender fluid. But then I am like: “Nah, I don’t do the fluidity as much as it feels like I should”. I don’t go to the female end of the spectrum unless I am expected to wear “something nice”, and feel my usual smart shirt and jeans combo isn’t nice enough. I despise dresses, but I appreciate other people wearing them. Other people can wear them and that’s good enough for me. I despise people being able to see my chest, I hate cleavage, I hate people looking at my chest, I hate feeling it on me like an actual extra weight that I am always aware of. Every day in the mirror at the moment, I turn to the side and just see lumps that ruin everything and shouldn’t be there.
I just scrolled up to my title, remembering that I put a smilie face on it and I am now questioning whether this post deserves it…
I explored all of the pronouns people have been using if they are gender fluid/neutral or agender. The idea of using “they” just put me off completely because while I did read an article explaining that “it wouldn’t be impersonal once you attribute it to a person”, it just doesn’t make sense to me to use that all the time. Although I wouldn’t be using it, other people would be using it about me, but that was a no. I tried some of the others and just blew my brain functions. I could settle with them eventually but right now, pronouns just baffle me so I’ll stick with “her” for now, as much as I am starting to hate it.
My gender also seems to fluctuate with my sexuality. If anti-straight was a thing, I would be that! Straight relationships seem to make NO sense to me now. I am in one, but I would rather be a gay guy. If I was with a girl, great, I’m already female.
I did bind my chest around my other half not too long ago. It was GREAT. But then I took everything off to go to bed and immediately I was female again and he had a party over my boobs. I don’t know how to make him understand that if I’m trying to present as male, I’d appreciate if he didn’t cancel it out by simply thinking “well it’s okay because there are still boobs under there!”. He has been supportive of a reduction, but at the end of the day… boobs but smaller, you know?
And I don’t know where I was meant to be going, so there you are! A small, pretty much unfinished post xD