Yeah, I know the term is meant to say “home”, but I recently went back to my parents’ house for Father’s Day and my goodness. By yesterday, all I wanted was to use my laptop, jam out to music and write up some new short stories.
So I am now back at the flat and I have brought my copy of Casually Dressed and Deep in Conversation by Funeral For A Friend (R.I.P massively) and I’m hoping that I can go all A Level on their lyrics and get some inspiration for some tales. 🙂
Also, I have been added onto my dad’s car insurance! So I can drive! I can finally drive again after passing my test THREE WHOLE YEARS AGO! Because he will be riding to work now that it’s “summer” and the weather is not as shitty and rainy as winter here. xD I’m still rusty and I definitely do not want to go out without a fellow driver sitting in the passenger seat, but with some practice, I reckon I’ll be able to start spinning around and taking my Stupid Boy on a few road trips! For the record, Stupid Boy is now the name I call Josh most times when he isn’t around. Whenever I find some kind of rubbish he has left, “Stupid Boy!” or if he is late to something, “Stupid Boy!”. Yeah, yeah, I know he’s not really a boy anymore but sometimes, I just can’t help it, he’s such a child. -_-
I’m also feeling really rough on the gender front. It is chopping and changing a lot at the moment and eurgh. But, the one thing I am looking forward to, is my binder arriving in the post! If I am lucky, it should arrive in a mere four days! I have been waiting for about two weeks but it was posting from China. For all I know it may well be awful and probably not safe, but I did check out a load of the comments and I could only afford so much. If anything it may simply act as a starter and should I feel binding will become a more regular thing, I can save up to buy a better one. My main concern is really whether they can squish down enough…
Oh well. I have become so paranoid over these things like my name, prefix, pronouns, what gender I am for the moment, it just feels like coining the term is one thing and living with it is another. However, it seems like being genderfluid is confusing for everyone who identifies this way. The (sometimes) constant change from one gender to another, none or mix is stressful. The dysphoria alone that can hit within seconds is so saddening. Personally, I look in the mirror and say: “Today is a Robin day” and then turn in a different way only to get hit with the fact that no, it’s not because my face just looks too feminine, my chest is that little bit too much boob. Most days I sit back and echo my own voice in my head thinking, “wow that was high pitched…”
Enough about my gripes. It’s time for bed. I have a whole day tomorrow to catch up with my laptop and music. Sweet, sweet music! ❤