Students Can’t Afford Good Birthday Presents.

Well, technically, I CAN because…

Student Money!

But it was my lovely Josh’s birthday recently and I had no idea what to get him and student money hadn’t come in yet. Buying stuff is great and all, but I decided to write him a little something, because I tend not to say things out loud and it felt a little bit more personal than just thinking “hey, he’ll like this!” and buying a pointless thing he’ll never use.

So I stayed up one night and wrote him a poem on my phone, which got a little bit deeper than I expected. Then when I saw him and he was out of the room for long enough I wrote it in a notebook I bought for him which he had decided was for “special things” after I wrote a cute little message in attempted Japanese at the top of the pages. Then I did carry on to write bullshit from Monty Python and The Pink Panther, but yeah. Oh and I did write him a little bit of stuff on the back page which was the start of a song, but I deemed it too mushy and taped it up so he couldn’t ever read it! 😀 I think he has managed to, but I hope he hasn’t…

So in hurried, pencil writing, I copied this out for him:

Your eyes
are brightest in the morning
than any time of day.
As though a
pleasant night of sleep
ignites their want to play.

You say
“Brown eyes are boring”,
like mud, or murky water.
But I know
that even blue cannot compare
to that enticing autumn.

Your smile,
has often been my curse.
A weakness at the knees
I cannot cure,
and cannot bear to live without
when all is not at ease.

You know
that it’s your greatest weapon.
A personal defense
to all the times,
you’ve toed the line,
and find you must repent.

Your hold,
the warm embrace at night
or when the day is long,
is like a
lifeline I can’t let go of,
a way to carry on.

You’ve learnt
the darkness kept within
and stood your ground.
It’s been hard
and there are hardships still
to face when I have drowned.

Your love
is more than I can understand,
perhaps ever at all.
But know
that when I return it,
You will never, ever fall.

Me being me, I obviously ran away when he found it so I wasn’t there to see his reaction to my mush, and tried to jump in the shower so I wouldn’t have to get sappy. I don’t talk about my feelings, I don’t want to admit when I fall and I definitely am not ready to say I love him, but he knows that and I’m glad. Maybe I do love him, chances are I’m still terrified of people getting close because when things end, I don’t take it well and I end up on another downward spiral into depression and hurting myself. But I’ve told him how thankful I am to have had him through the shit months, and how great our collection of summer wino nights are to me and he has accepted more than I ever thought possible.

He is good to me. He is there for me. I don’t understand why sometimes and it’s like I don’t deserve it. I don’t know how to give back everything but I want to. I want to know him more than I do now, I want him to open up about things he hasn’t told anyone else.

I need to stop sapping.

I said I would put up my poem so there is another post on here, I believe that’s mission accomplished. Just ignore the rest of my diary entry xD