SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

Today’s actually been quite a happy day on my wordpress, which makes me kinda feel bad for the fact that I’m now going to ruin that mood by just venting how I feel with my life right now. Also all I have in my head right now is the song “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” xD

Anyway,

Money, Uni, My Job, and My Two Houses; A Tale of All My Problems.

I can’t even like write about all of these separately because they are all intertwined in a big disgusting mess.

But, maybe in like a “full circle” kind of way, I can explain this.

I get a 9 grand loan to pay for my tuition fees. It goes to my uni to pay for stuff I feel I could YouTube. It pays for a total of 8 hours a week. Ans I thought a possibility of paying 2 grand for my second year of Music Performance–with a five day, half 9 to 3 timetable–was bad(!) I would actually pay that in hindsight.

The days I’m not in uni, I go to work. So, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday (and closed on Sunday). I have to go to work, because if I don’t work, I can’t afford to pay my rent on my flat.

I get a maintenance loan for said flat, but every three months I have to pay out 300 pounds MYSELF because it’s too expensive. I didn’t get into halls because my university MAJORLY F**KED UP. And I don’t care that this blog is actually going to be submitted as work, they f**ked me over. So I have a flat that I have to work to pay for, I know for a fact that people in halls have a lot more money to spare.

To GO to work, because my schedule is hectic and I haven’t managed to job hunt, I don’t even stay in my flat. I go from my parents because it’s cheaper. It’s actually cheaper to go between f**king houses to work, than sit on a train in the morning and afternoon/evening three days a week… I DO get a lift from my Dad for the initial “there on Tuesday night, back Thursday night” and “there on Friday night, back on Sunday” trips, but even if I got the bus, it would STILL be cheaper because (and sorry to get all money-money) the trains cost about 18 quid per week just for work reasons. A week’s bus pass costs 14.60 (or maybe a bit more) and that’s cheaper as long as I get 10 buses… Meaning I can go to work, to my parents and out to do whatever, whenever and just pay for the train if I go anywhere on the train.

I have to save that money obviously because I don’t want to be EVEN more reliant on my parents for money, as well as hospitality for a daughter that technically moved out in September last year. And obviously also to stack up an extra 300 quid of my own money at the end of every three months before the next lot of student finance comes in.

And I moved out to go to uni, and has put me in 14 grand’s worth of debt for ONE YEAR. Plus interest.

To be honest. I know I’m not the only student out there, but I don’t handle stress at all. Even writing this, I just want to cry because I can’t hack it. It doesn’t help that at the stem of all this, I don’t even think this year has been worth it. It hasn’t been worth months and months of stupid arrangements and stupid amounts of money.

I didn’t see the point in paying 9 grand to study music, f**k I don’t actually think ANY subject is worth 9 grand now that I’ve sat through my course for a while, but I’d decided to go to uni to help me “specialize” if you will. I wanted to get back into writing and learn journalism so I could try and shoot for working in Rock Sound or anything that isn’t Kerrang (unless they let me bitch at them for being awful). I just don’t see it going anywhere and all the time it’s like, if I wasn’t in uni, what would I be doing?

Working full time somewhere else, jamming and feeling good about music, maybe not writing for Rock Sound but I can still try…

Uni has been one of the biggest let downs of my life and maybe it’s just the uni… Maybe if I went somewhere else that had a louder campus or whatever it would be different but if the course would be the same then why the f**k do I wanna stay in “Higher Education” when I’m sure Google and “An Idiot’s Guide to…” would probably teach me for free/cheaper?

I have like… one friend at uni. Or rather one friend I’ve actually like socialised with outside of uni, but not actually like how people would think (which is getting smashed at the weekend), it’s been some days out in London. And I guess that’s cool because I don’t do liver failure but… seriously. When I got told I would make friends for life, I think they meant the one. That’s OK because actually she’s a lot like me and we’re both going to each others’ birthdays and to a gig together this month.

I also miss hanging out with the guys… I don’t get on with girls very well and all I do at uni is hang around with the girls because for some reason, you go to uni and the sexes split apart again like primary school. Seriously, we don’t interact unless it’s group work.

Plus, from where it’s Creative Writing, all the girls love to natter about like books and TV shows and all this amazing shit that I don’t follow. They all know these authors from ages ago and random shit and I’m just like… erm. I don’t know them, but I can tell you various music notation, how to make a major scale, do voice warm ups, set up a recording booth, stage set, f**k I even learnt how to do lighting once. But you come into this creative writing lesson and I tell you, I feel like a right loner.

Suddenly it doesn’t matter that I spent four years of my life doing music.

They feel like the biggest waste of my time ever and I hate it because they were actually the best four years of my life. I actually became someone that was confident and I had stuff to talk to people about. I wasn’t just some girl that got called embarrassing because I found the muso’s and kind of shouted about it. I AM A MUSO. That’s what I do. I’m starting to think that maybe I should have studied music.

I haven’t clicked with anyone in this uni the way I clicked with everyone I met through music.

I haven’t enjoyed this as actively as I used to enjoy days at college. Even on the days that were long and hard, I could see where I was going with it and that made it worth that light smile you do when you’re like “yeah. This’ll be good”. Uni hasn’t made me see any of that yet. I know that with college I was going to leave after a year, and I didn’t. I got blackmailed into staying and I hate that fact, but I still got stuff out of it that I find brilliant and worth my time. Granted, most of us have now gone our separate ways and it’s ironic to say that because three of us work within 5 minutes of each other, but knowing them even has felt important.

Knowing people at uni does my f**king nut in.

Going to lessons that I know I could research on the internet does my nut in.

My whole situation with my accommodation does my nut in.

But I feel that if I leave, everyone will think I’m some waste of space drop out. Everyone saw me go into this so determined and it feels like by the end of the year I’ll just be broken. A girl was even saying (about a guy who had written some stuff “every female in the room felt uncomfortable with” — I hated them making that statement. Just because you’re a feminist, doesn’t mean you can represent me as a female too– and they believed he must be an awful writer as a result) Anyway, she was saying that “oh well you never know. He might drop out anyway. Loads of people drop out.” and it felt like underneath it was this statement  she was saying that only people who are shit at what they’re trying to do drop out, or there was no space to just feel like the whole thing wasn’t right for you, like dropping out was a weakness.

F**k it actually.

I’m gonna actually just do a pros and cons of uni for myself.

Pros.

I kind of have my own flat a couple of days a week. Massive Pro.

… I’m close to uni?

Sometimes the radio station works, but I haven’t actually managed to put time aside to plan a set for two weeks.

……….*brain dead*

Cons.

The timetable is f**king stupid.

It’s not even been worth the 14 grand so far…

There isn’t even much journalism and I think that’s because its Creative Writing joint not a Journalism joint, if that makes sense?

The whole thing I could probably have YouTubed, or I could have found resources from somewhere anyway.

Meh.

Maybe it’s just a matter of changing course, but I don’t know. I only have one person to live with next year again, woo(!) That’s if I stay and we actually live together. I wanted to be a lot more out there and I think somehow the combination of everything has restricted me.

Oh well. This is enough for tonight. If you read this whole thing, I kind of seriously thank you…

Like seriously, thank you for reading this whole thing that was really just me de-stressing for a couple of minutes xD

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