THE HARDEST THING…

This is a mixed up, emotional post today.

I made a personal promise on Monday to tell my parents that I’m bisexual–after being “in the closet” since about 15, and putting off telling them anything since 17.

I made up my mind a LONG time ago to tell them but always it was like eurgheghrgjhgjhg nope o_O.

More and more recently, I’ve literally felt like bursting at the seams and just blurting it out. It sucked that I felt like I was really being myself and holding back on things because I didn’t want to wind up in a serious relationship (like I ever find those anyway xD) and deal my parents two blows at once. My friends had all said “why don’t you just make a separate Facebook and stuff where it doesn’t matter”, but that was merely MORE hiding away.

So when I woke up on Monday, I literally had it in my head right there and then that this was it. I would have told them the very same day but I didn’t want to do it directly, and eventually it didn’t fit in with my plans.

My family aren’t talkative. We don’t openly talk about things, even if the soaps might be bringing them up. There has never been “the sex talk”, “the contraception talk”, or “the other sexual orientations talk” that from what it looks like, every perfect T.V family or a few real families have.

As far as I knew, my mum’s opinion on homosexuality was “eurgh!”

My dad’s… I have never had a clue.

My sister’s is kind of like “they’re strange, but I guess that’s OK”.

So I decided to go with the way I’ve always told people things or let out how I feel–by writing. I could write everything out and leave it at their house because I was staying there mid week to go to work and to a gig.

I wrote this letter last night. I tried it on Wednesday and I got annoyed because I couldn’t find any lined paper so it was on plain, and then when it got to about 6pm on Thursday I had a hunt in my bedroom and I found the dumbest lined paper from a Tracy Beaker diary I once had and I just scribbled on that.

I even wrote: “I’m still you’re little girl, as punctuated by the Tracy Beaker paper…” because from countless times that I had Googled coming out, they had always said to stress that you’re still the same person and I thought that was clever to say. Kinda silly now but it took me two drafts–I didn’t really want to alter anything much for the sake of being as honest as possible–and I cried the whole time through.

I apologised for not being brave enough to tell them in person, but I said I would answer anything they wanted to ask and I could stay at my flat if they wanted some time.

Whoo. Even writing this is hard…

The whole thing is that you feel a constant pain of not being able to express yourself but you know that for a while, you’ll upset your parents and you’re terrified you’ll hurt them or they’ll hate you so much that everything goes wrong.

I tried to make it as thoughtful as possible and I apologised if it would hurt them, thanked them for being my parents and helping me through life and trying to talk to me even though I’m kind of antisocial with them. I wrote my letter on my silly Tracy Beaker paper and then I made them an envelope out of origami. I kind of figured that it would seem more poignant than just putting a shitty general envelope on the bed, and I also make origami–to this day my mum still has a star in the kitchen that I made a couple of years ago–so it felt right to do something so generally associated with “me”.

Then I decided that I didn’t want to leave my possibly heartbreaking letter just strewn on my bed so I sat my little childhood toy down in the middle and I leant this letter against it.

I won’t lie, when my Mum started texting me up while I was at uni this morning I thought she was going spare. I was waiting for “WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU? B*TCH YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHING!?” and while it seems a bit awful, she was actually getting in touch almost frantically because she saw my letter (and read it regardless of the fact I told both of them to read it together), and thought I had left a suicide note and didn’t want to wait until my dad got home.

It may have been my fault because when I was a pathetic, over-dramatic teenager (I was like 13 or something and I can’t even remember this….) I wrote a diary entry saying I wanted to kill myself because the end of the year was crap and I was arguing with my sister and my mum found it not long ago and had a heart attack. I think in the back of her mind I’m still considering it, when really I never have. I actually told my friend that I figured she was asking if I was alive because of EXACTLY that and it was like oh my lord -_- I told her to seriously stop worrying because I’m alive and perfectly happy to stay that way!

But yeah, she sent me a text saying that it’s OK and they love me–this is only her opinion, I have yet to find out my dad’s, but I was more worried about her anyway. She wanted me to call her.

I said to her, in my usual antisocial way that: “I can’t I’m at uni x” and then I thought that even with the added kiss that I would normally leave out, I should say a little bit more than JUST that, so I said thank you… Maybe I should have written more, but I’m still not one of many words to my parents, and I don’t know if that will change.

Sitting down and talking to them is a whole other can of worms and I think I’m still terrified of it. But I’m halfway there, and I feel better provided that my dad also shares the same “it’s OK” opinion. Next I just tell my sister which will be awkward too… And my nan I guess. The rest of everyone can find out by a status I thought was very me: “I’m bisexual and I’ve come all the way from f*cking Narnia to tell you that.”

The Narnia thing is like… If something is lost, someone is late and we don’t know where they are, or my room is messy or I have a lot in my bag, the place or space in question immediately becomes Narnia.

The next thing to get over is my dumb fear of talking to people xD

But I’m relieved. It’s finally been done and it felt like I had made a big fuss over nothing. There is still fuss, don’t get me wrong but jeeeeeeez I put it off for a long time and I shouldn’t have :S

That’s all today. I do have a new piece of uni work that I find really funny and a new module teacher to talk about, but that will wait until another post. If you stayed to read this whole thing, I thank you because you didn’t have to and some people wouldn’t have. Cheers 🙂 It won’t be like this every week and I promise I won’t shove too much stuff on here because there is “yeah I’m gay and I’m playing it down but it’s still here” and then there is “I’M GAY AND LET ME SHOW YOU ALL THIS SHIT TO EMPHASISE BECAUSE IT’S SUDDENLY REALLY IMPORTANT!”–I really, really know which one I prefer, so after this my posts will return to normal!

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