DEATH BY SQUIRREL!

Is that actually how you spell squirrel? Yes it is because there is no red squiggle underneath… *phew*

Thank God for online spell checkers xD

Right!

This week I had reading week (not half term like the teachers always remind us) and it was pretty good! I had a day off work because I died mid-week and then on Friday I went to see Joshy-Woshy (Formerly known as Josh-Not-Farro but Joshy-Woshy is more amusing to me now).

We had a movie night… I think. I got quite drunk on Saturday and Sunday so my memory is already failing. No actually we didn’t, we watched Regular Show, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, Robin Hood, half an episode of some kind of anime and… something else… and then Mallory Knox on YouTube. I remember that explicitly because I kept sitting up to watch Mikey Chapman and his adorable ginger-ness :’) I say adorable, but really it’s more like *OH MY GOD HE’S F**KING FIT AS F**KING F**K!* when I look on Google for a picture to try and show you xD  I don’t apologise for picking a massive photo… He is worth it!

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OH MY GOD I’VE JUST REMEMBERED FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME THAT I’M SEEING THEM SOON!!!!!!!!

MOVING ON!

Saturday I went to work after having a grand total of maybe… half an hour of sleep?

I don’t function very well on half an hour.

I work in a pet shop and I stack shelves with little packets of dog food that have a tendency to explode if you drop them. I dropped a grand total of about six packets and one of them blew a corner and sent lovely dog food juices everywhere -_- But in my mood, I could do nothing but p*ss myself laughing for like twenty minutes! I managed to squeal for my sister through my laughing because I realised that OH MY LORD I NEED SOME HELP BECAUSE I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING! so she comes walking, not even running, she walks to me and somehow can’t understand what has happened. *facepalm*

I know I was laughing, but if someone was pointing at a burst packet of dog food and a splatter of nasty rabbit & turkey meaty liquidy stuff on the floor would you really find it so hard to understand? o_O I don’t think so.

So I kept laughing for a while and mopped up the floor before deciding to sit down and make tea, which I managed to pour over myself.

Then I went back to the store room where I’d exploded the dog food and I was wearing the “work body warmer” that makes me look like a farmer. It’s miles too big for me, I think it pretty much reaches my knees but it really does work!

But anywhat, I walked through the door and I somehow got stuck on something so naturally I screamed my f**king head off in the middle of my shop. As you do.

Work didn’t like me that day, but my sister’s car seat was very accommodating to the reformation of my sleep habit on the way home, I was out like a light xD

After my nap, I went to Hazel’s for a girly night. I drank about half a bottle of Disaronno to myself but in reality, there was no hilarious sleepover with confessions and truth or dare. We watched the  X Factor, decided it was shit and went to bed! We DID try to get the boys out but Josh was like “eurgh I’m tired” so Hazel and I decided that PSH nobody needs men. I did call Josh before I went to bed. He said I fell asleep on the phone just after he started telling sheep jokes–I’m glad I don’t remember o_O

Then on Sunday, we got the boys out! We all went to Hazel’s for a roast dinner and it failed miserably.

I was in a weird mood on Sunday, but it was my job to bring pudding (I realise now that I didn’t take a picture of my cakes…) and I thought it would be totally hilarious to buy a load of fairy cakes, cover them in butterscotch sauce, add some chocolate biscuity sprinkles and stick mini meringues on the top.

I blame inhalation of butterscotch fumes for my weird hyperactiveness on the journey. 20 year olds get sugar rushes too ya know!

I yapped in Josh’s ear for the WHOLE journey… about utter shite. If I could remember (CURSE THIS ALCOHOL BRAIN) I would tell you what I was talking about but I think once the sugar wore off, everything was erased from my memory.

But yeah so I made my pudding and then we got to Hazel’s about half an hour late as usual. Late is my thing.

She wasn’t even home -_- Turned out Danny was late so we had no dinner and we had to wait while he made us a “roast”.

Do not get me started on how much this was NOT a roast.

I am English.

My roast dinner consists of the following:

Probably NOT beef, because I don’t like roast beef like a slight heathen. Cabbage, which is the only form of leaf I will eat. Carrots that are still kind of crunchy because I don’t like soggy veg unless it’s cabbage. Roasted potatoes that are fresh and done by my Nan or NUTHIN B*TCHES! Pigs in blankets, which are not just for Christmas. Stuffing, which generally only comes out for Christmas but I’d like it all year round. And last but not least:

YORKSHIREE PUUDDDDDINGGGS!

*This is a rough template for a British Roast Dinner, other items on the menu may include–

Sorry, sorry,

I forgot something.

Roast Parsnips.

There.

That’s Maria’s Ultimate “This is still British Enough, Right?” Roast Dinner.

Danny’s roast dinner was this:

Chicken, which is always acceptable. Roast potatoes which kind of failed because something obviously went wrong with the oven. Carrots.  Yorkshire Puddings that burnt before they even cooked (again due to the oven).

And what seemed to be a variety of Mediterranean roasted vegetables…

*KABOOM*

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I waited a long LONG time for this roast dinner and lets just say, us Brits do not like our roasts being tampered with. I should know because my mum once had a go at me for swapping her roast beef for braising steak and making a mini casserole with it o_O

We did give him grief for roasting peppers along with our potatoes but bless his socks he made us dinner and we liked it in the end, but when you’ve inhaled too much butterscotch and probably downed a triple Disaronno and coke… Peppers are a very upsetting thing to see in a bag of veg destined for the oven.

We played a fair bit of Wii on Sunday too. I pulled out the old Mario Kart road rage and still came last -_-

I also managed to hit my crotch off a windowsill… :S Me and Josh were outside and Hazel and Danny were inside and we just kept having stupid conversations through the windows and I laughed so hard I couldn’t stand up at one point. I ended up sitting on some wet gravelly stuff… Then I swapped to said windowsill but I think I was trying to run inside or something and I just–this hurts for girls too okay–I literally managed to smash my crotch off the windowsill. Everyone laughed at me while I ran around outside yowling in pain!

Speaking of yowling, I tried to tell Hazel’s cat I loved it by presenting her with a flower. I got miaowed at before she ran off.

The woman who looks to be heading for spinster-dom with a load of cats is being turned down by the very species she wants to surround herself with, woe is me! D:

Enough about cats, this post is called Death By Squirrel for a reason!

On the way home from Hazel’s, which was actually this very morning, how weird, it feels like ages ago o_O

Anyway, on the way home, Danny, Josh and I all got on the same bus to take us to the town where my folks live and from there we were splitting up. The bus stops outside the park and we all had this brilliant moment of “SQURREL!” I’ve seriously lost the ability to type the word Sru… squrri..

That bloody creature with the fat ass tail fluff.

This thing:

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Turned out we’d come across a proper gathering of said creatures and there was one that was really interested in us. Now you’re not meant to think squirrels–NOW I CAN TYPE!–you’re not meant to think they’re cute but you do, you just ignore that the grey qui…

The grey ones killed the red ones.

These ones, with the much cooler spiky ears:

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That’s all there is to know and basically you still go awwwwwwwwwwww :’) Which we did, until the creature decided it wanted to take a swing at us through the fence.

We were talking about it like “haha, q.. [FFS–they*] are violent you know, they proper come for you, but loooook, it’s so cut-WUAARRRGH!” *the square brackets are now going to the be the way you know I’ve tried to type [those creatures whose name I have difficulty typing] and failed.

Cute grey fuzzy-fuzzy comes to try and savage us through the bars and we all take a running jump to get away xD

Death by “cute grey fuzzy-fuzzy” isn’t quite so dramatic… and I still think I have butterscotch and Disaronno in my systion… Systion is a word now. Tell the dictionary it needs to update!

Lastly, I just found an awesome picture of the cat at work being a weirdo.

This is why I love Tiggy the Cat:

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